I cannot understand the allure that I find in that voice.
The problem must be dealt with immediately. It must be eradicated.
I must send a merciful bullet to the head of that malignant ideology of a False Hope which they call affection, for it is a grotesque weakness that I can ill afford.
But that is not my only trouble.
I find myself reading more and more about the nightmare world of Warhammer 40 000, a world I have visited before in computer games and books
(see http://nobilitas.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html, Monday, February 06, 2006, The Shaping).
I have read more about the Space Marines of the Imperium of Man, and the world of endless slaughter and bloodshed and hatred and demonology that they exist in. And yet this appeals to me, because in such dark times there are epic tales of heroism and valour, of courage, strength, and fortitude, and of moral struggle and torment, and I cannot help but find myself in empathy with such a life.
The most epic of these mythologies of the future are the twenty Primarchs of the Space Marine Legions and the names of the Legions themselves- names of epic quality, names such as
Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Thousand Sons, Blood Angels, Night Lords. And of their Primarchs, their superhuman lords and leaders. And the tale of darkest betrayal and and treachery and heresy.
To be a man in these times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live under the cruellest and most bloody regimes inmaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of science and technology, for much has been forgotten and never to be re-learned. Forget the promises of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace among the stars, only carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsty gods.
This is wrong. A world like this is evil. It goes against every thing I have held dear.
And yet, and yet, I cannot destroy this fascination, for in my own pain and struggle and weakness and failure, I see a mirror in the desperation and hopelessness of such a dystopian nightmare.
And thus while I cannot force myself to destroy my False Hope, I also cannot bring myself to destroy this fascination with this other nightmare.
